Lose Weight, Feel Sexy, But I Love Chocolate!

As the New Year dawns on us, we bid farewell to the festive season and not so eagerly welcome the extra pounds that we’ve put on thanks to all the food, alcohol, and bûche de noel. I for one enjoyed overdrinking and overeating like a jolly pig every night for three weeks as if Armageddon was approaching . . . I guess a little too much celebrating, too little exercise, and dose of karma (since I always mock fat people) caught up with me a couple of weeks ago – and while I was in denial, believing that I was suffering from a major case of water retention, the reality of the situation (a.k.a. my jeans) proved that I had simply gained weight! I noticed that so many people I know were going through the same thing and are now running to the gym and to their dietician for some hardcore damage control, “yiii, yaaayyyyy, ya allah, I must lose my extra weight . . . before summer . . . so I can wear my swimming suit”.(lame much?)
I shall call this “a sensitive time” during which we should all show some compassion for each others’ mishap and try to watch our words and behavior as much as we can to avoid tears, anger, and misunderstandings. I for one, vow to not make fun of any fat person anymore . . . at least until this “sensitive time” is over.

Don’t offer a fat kid chocolate cake: These words of wisdom are helpful to every weight-watcher out there. The worst thing you can do to a dieting person is to offer them anything that looks, sounds, or tastes delicious. Same applies to you – if you have a certain friend who knows you’re on a diet, yet doesn’t cease to offer you sugar and spice and all that’s nice, it can only mean one of two things: 1) Your friend is an insensitive, selfish swine who is inconsiderate about your feelings and your cravings. 2) Your friend is devising a master plan to purposely prevent you from losing your extra weight. In any case, stay away from the cake-feeder. In case you’re a cake-feeder yourself, trust that you are hated by so many

Don’t offer vodka to an alcoholic: Let’s face it, most people would stop eating for 3 days in order to binge drink a bottle of vodka – especially when they’re on a “strict diet” (what a way to puncture a hole in your stomach). If you know you have a love affair with bottles of booze, simply stay away from them or limit your drinking to once a week. There is no way that you can be at a bar or a club, surrounded by alcohol-guzzling friends (while you’re sitting there like an old geezer) and not feel the temptation to sneak a sip* (*five drinks). The next day you will only wake up with a headache and a guilty conscience, so steer clear of the booze!  In case you’re one of those “Know-it-all” morons who insist that alcohol doesn’t make you gain weight, I’d love it if you could also try to disprove the law of gravity – since you’re so darn bright.

Don’t compensate exercising with eating more: There really is no point in burning 700 calories at the gym and straining 45 muscles while you’re thinking of what to feast on later. If you eat the entire vegetable garden, the entire cow, and the entire apple tree, you would really be making a fool of yourself when you tell people “ah yes, I am enrolled at the gym in order to lose weight”. Instead you should say “I am enrolled at the gym as an excuse to finish the world’s food supply before 2012”. Seriously, logic and self-control are key factors to balancing a healthy diet with adequate exercise.

Don’t submerge into depression when people realize you’ve gained weight: People are very insensitive about how they break it to you. Many years ago, I hadn’t seen a certain friend in a long while, and the first thing she told me when she saw me is “Yiiiiiiiiiiii, shu neshané!!!” (meaning, “OMG, you’ve gained so much weight!”), and I responded with “Ah thanks, I missed you too bitch.” You must realize that people are not blind; and while your butt is expanding, there are many eyes on it, wondering why it’s becoming so large. It’s okay; once you’ve accepted that, use it as motivation to look better again (and you will in no time). Please do not be one of those people who think “ah well, since I’ve already gained so many kilos, it’s okay if I gain one or ten more”, and continue to eat like beasts (until they start looking like one).

Words of Wisdom from the World Wide Web . . . and Beyond:

Forget about diet books, diet tricks, and diet miracles – it’s all a load of bull! At the core of any successful weight-loss plan lies will power, patience, positivity, and logic.
You must know when to start and when to stop, whether it’s eating or exercising. Don’t put unrealistic goals for yourself and don’t aspire to look like an anorexic runway model or a 1990’s Brad Pitt (unless you find a genie who can grant you three wishes).
You also cannot expect to lose 5 tons in two weeks – it’s unrealistic, unhealthy, and ineffective on the long run. Love yourself instead of straining your body and starving yourself. If you’re a woman, enjoy your bigger breasts while they last, and if you’re a man, don’t worry, women like a little belly (six packs are so overrated).
You also do not need a dietician – it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy foods and how to balance a daily diet – a healthy diet is NOT starving yourself and suffering, so please correct that misconception. Strict diets are pointless; they only make you crave what you cannot have and you will almost always gain the weight back, so find yourhealthy balance.
Chocolate and co. is not evil, as long as you eat it sparingly. In any case, don’t buy unhealthy fatty foods to store in your fridge – if you don’t see it, you won’t eat it.
Don’t turn into an emo and bury yourself in your room because your clothes don’t fit nicely – go out and buy some clothes that do fit temporarily, but don’t get too used to them because you’ll never lose the extra weight.
Exercise should be a lifestyle and not a means to an end or a method of torture. Exercising provides so many benefits aside to weight loss – it improves your cranky mood, it’s healthy for your aging organs, it improves your sex drive, and increases your energy level among other things; so find a type of exercise that you enjoy (whether it’s a type of sport or going to the gym or playing Wii) and you’ll be happily losing weight in no time! And no, sex is not a method of exercising especially when you’re just lying there like a dead fish.
Most importantly, keep a positive attitude; attitude is what makes a person sexy, whether they’re underweight or overweight – if you believe you’re a bombshell, everyone will believe it too. If someone does make fun of your extra weight, allow yourself to accidentally punch them or trip them or push them down a flight of stairs.
Finally, to all those people who say “I’ll start tomorrow” or “I’ll start on Monday”, we all know you’re lying (courtesy of WikiLeaks).

“The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books – how not to eat what you’ve just learned how to cook.”  Andy Rooney